Eleanor Gordon-Smith

A friend’s repeated self-criticism and requests for reassurance are straining an eight-year friendship, while reassurance has failed to reduce her self-doubt. Eleanor Gordon-Smith explains that deep self-doubt does not respond to contrary evidence and that repeated reassurance can become a ritual that reinforces the cycle. She suggests acknowledging the friend’s distress rather than arguing with the content of her fears, setting limits on reassurance, and encouraging her to explore the underlying issue with a therapist.

Nostalgia is not inherently negative: longing for lost places, people and experiences can be a natural form of grief and a comforting way to preserve memories. It becomes misleading when idealized memories are treated as proof that the past was universally better, a belief that can foster excessive conservatism and undermine appreciation of the present.

A woman in a six-year polyamorous relationship is considering marriage and children but wants her partner to pause romantic relationships and provide stronger commitments and safeguards. He rejects those requests on philosophical grounds, while insisting he loves her and would share child-rearing equally. Eleanor Gordon-Smith argues that his refusal to promise commitment is inconsistent with his distress at her doubts and may allow him to benefit from risks and burdens she would bear. She advises the woman not to marry or have children under an arrangement in which she cannot rely on her partner, emphasizing that legal and parental responsibilities cannot be secured by assurances alone.

A reader nearly 30 is struggling with low self-esteem after his first serious relationship ended following eight months. Eleanor Gordon-Smith explains that a breakup reflects a lack of fit between two people, not an objective judgment of the reader’s worth. She acknowledges that no one can guarantee when another relationship will happen, but encourages him to rely on hope rather than expectation, remain open to new connections, and develop self-esteem independently of other people’s acceptance.

A parent seeks guidance on supporting their sensitive teenage daughter, who struggles with social exclusion and the pressures of social media. The advice stresses that developing self-worth comes from one’s own actions rather than external validation. With time and broader social environments, the teen is likely to find more compatible peers. Parents can support her growth but cannot complete it for her; trust in her ability to build confidence and meaningful friendships is essential.

A woman exhausted from supporting her husband, who has untreated PTSD and ADHD, is advised that staying solely out of guilt is not a kindness. Eleanor Gordon-Smith argues that leaving may cause short-term pain but could ultimately benefit both partners, allowing each to pursue healthier futures and more equal relationships.

A parent returning to work after unemployment describes feeling detached from career ambitions and doubts the value of work that disrupts family life. Eleanor Gordon-Smith advises that being a good role model involves having a conscious and intentional relationship with work rather than forcing passion. She explains that work does not need to be a primary source of meaning and suggests that accepting a pragmatic view of employment can reduce disappointment. Clarifying personal beliefs about the role of work can guide both the individual’s decisions and the values they model for their children.

Adult children struggle with whether to include their father’s new partner after an affair that ended their parents’ marriage. The columnist notes that the father and children interpret the breakup differently and that maintaining closeness may be incompatible with holding on to justified hurt. While they owe nothing to the new partner, preserving the relationship with their father may eventually require accepting her presence. The decision ultimately rests on how close they wish to remain and whether those emotional costs are worth it.

A woman seeks advice after her sister expresses distress over feeling behind in life as others reach milestones such as engagement and future family plans. The columnist advises distinguishing between someone expressing difficult emotions and expecting others to fix them, noting that the sister’s feelings do not automatically impose obligations on the engaged woman. She suggests clarifying whether the sister is seeking attention inappropriately or simply sharing her worries, and encourages separating personal happiness from perceived responsibility for a loved one’s emotional state.

A 17-year-old concerned about sensitivity to graphic content is advised that maturity is not tied to tolerating violence, sex or substance use in media. Eleanor Gordon-Smith suggests distinguishing between activities one isn’t ready for and those one simply dislikes, noting that aversion to certain content is valid and not a sign of immaturity. She encourages curiosity about personal reactions, avoiding self-criticism or judgment of others, and allowing time for feelings to develop without pressure.

A woman describes a long‑term mismatch in sexual desire within her marriage, worsened by her husband’s stress and focus on running. Eleanor Gordon‑Smith suggests shifting attention from increasing sexual frequency to understanding how each partner defines sex, noting that performance anxiety or negative associations may inhibit desire. She encourages exploring these underlying meanings together and reframing sex as a shared, pleasurable experience rather than a test, while acknowledging natural differences in libido and priorities.

An advice seeker describes burnout, career uncertainty and a quiet midlife crisis, prompting Eleanor Gordon-Smith to explain that discomfort with missed opportunities is inherent to human finitude. She suggests shifting focus from finding a predetermined life purpose to cultivating qualities such as bravery and kindness, and reminds the reader that others also struggle with hidden doubts. The constraints of mortality that create midlife angst are also what make meaning, connection and value possible.

A young person worried about career prospects, relationships, housing insecurity, climate change and the impact of AI is encouraged to confront these challenges rather than retreat from them. The advice argues that genuine relief comes from collective engagement, expanding personal agency and finding peers who share similar concerns. Facing systemic problems directly is framed as more empowering and sustaining than avoidance.

A woman concerned about her partner’s long sleep habits is advised to view the issue as a neutral difference in preference rather than a moral failing. Factors such as circadian variation, health conditions or lifestyle differences may influence his sleep duration. The columnist suggests focusing on how both partners adapt and cooperate rather than expecting the sleep pattern to change, emphasising that differing habits do not imply one is better than another.

A mother struggles with grief and fear as her son moves out, worried about losing their bond and returning to past unhappiness. The advice emphasizes accepting mixed emotions, seeking therapy for deeper fears, protecting the son from carrying her emotional burden, and actively building a fulfilling life through personal interests, travel, and time with her partner. The intensity of her feelings reflects deep care, which can support her own next chapter.

A longtime friendship strained by one friend’s increasingly self‑absorbed and demanding behavior prompts concerns about whether to end the relationship. The columnist advises weighing the shared past against expectations for the future, noting that while past closeness matters, it does not guarantee indefinite commitment. Reducing contact may preserve a minimal connection as a gesture to the history shared, unless continued interaction becomes intolerable. Genuine friendship requires equality, and maintaining contact solely out of pity or obligation signals the relationship has shifted from friendship to acquaintance.

A man who lost his social circle after stopping his habit of initiating contact is advised that unequal effort in friendships is common and doesn’t mean his friends never valued him. Many people struggle to show care proactively, and initiating contact can be a personal strength rather than a flaw. He is encouraged to evaluate whether his friends contribute in other meaningful ways and decide if the imbalance is tolerable or if the relationships are no longer fulfilling.

A reader seeks advice on a longtime friend who persistently sends disturbing social media videos and conspiracy content despite previous requests to stop. Eleanor Gordon-Smith suggests that the friend may be mindlessly sharing algorithm-driven material without considering its relevance, and that directly expressing bafflement rather than criticism may help signal discomfort. She recommends shifting from silence or serious confrontation to a tone that highlights the oddness of the content, helping the friend recognise the disconnect created by her online habits.

A young mother managing both childcare and support for her frail father‑in‑law is advised to reassess expectations, gather clear information about his care needs and future requirements, and ensure responsibilities are shared with her husband. Emotional strain, lack of preparedness and isolation are highlighted as key issues, with guidance to seek external support and approach decisions with clarity and dignity rather than guilt or assumptions based on past intentions.

A woman struggling with her husband’s refusal to end an affair is urged to acknowledge that agreeing to an arrangement she cannot bear would sacrifice her self‑respect and wellbeing. Eleanor Gordon‑Smith advises that protecting her sense of self matters more than holding on to a partner who disregards her pain, and that saying no may reveal the true stakes of the relationship.

A student frustrated by covering expenses for two unemployed friends seeks guidance on how to set financial boundaries. Eleanor Gordon‑Smith advises using clear, non‑accusatory communication and behavioural cues, such as not offering to pay, limiting available cash, or repeating a simple refusal, to change assumptions. She emphasises that differing attitudes to money can strain friendships and that resolving the issue may require accepting some discomfort to protect personal finances and maintain relationships.

An advice columnist responds to a reader who fears losing the creative intensity experienced during depression, explaining that the sense of depth associated with darkness is misleading and that joy, connection, and reflection can be equally rich sources of meaning. The response encourages focusing attention on varied forms of non-suffering, exploring creative work aligned with personal values, and recognizing agency in shaping a vivid and meaningful life outside depressive states, while also noting available mental health resources.

An artist expresses anxiety about fading recognition, limited financial prospects, and the rise of AI-generated art. The response urges separating financial decisions about making art a job from the deeper question of whether to continue creating for personal fulfillment. It highlights moments of genuine human connection as meaningful forms of recognition and encourages maintaining artistic practice regardless of market pressures or technological change.

A woman in her early 30s fears she has missed her chance at the partnership and family life she imagined. Eleanor Gordon-Smith advises shifting focus from predicting likelihoods to embracing the possibility of love rather than dwelling on uncertainty. She notes that meaningful relationships can form at any stage of life and that fulfilling lives, including those involving children, can take many forms. She encourages exploring practical options for building the life she wants and choosing to focus on hopeful possibilities rather than unanswered questions about the future.